Now it's almost Hallowe'en,
Byron's invited on the scene.
______________________
While planning his ventriloquism rehearsal days with Theatrical Agent Antony in his calendar, Wilson has just noticed that Hallowe'en is but a few days away, and has asked whether his half-brother (or Uncle – it's complicated) Byron could come to stay with us for the celebrations.
I like Byron – he's well-mannered, polite and no trouble at all – so I agreed.
Wilson will phone the zoo tomorrow to make arrangements.
Meanwhile, Dave the Pig has only partially understood his role in the ventriloquism rehearsal process — every time Wilson speaks, Dave shouts, 'I can see your lips moving!'
Which, after a few hours, becomes the tiniest bit wearing.
Wilson also noticed that he'd neglected to celebrate World Sloth Day yesterday — to make up for this omission, here is the address from where you can buy 'Well cool' Sloth merchandise to support the work of the Sloth Orphanage:
http://www.slothville.com/
A question about a friend who's a thief;
Wilson's advice should bring some relief.
_____________________
Another Agony Uncle Problem has poured in!
QUESTION:
❝Dear Uncle Wislon,
I work in an office, and I've noticed my friend is stealing office supplies – paper, pencils, envelopes etc – and I don't know whether I should tell my Manager.
What do you advise?
Worried Worker.❞
'Ahh, this is more like it,' Wilson remarked, rubbing his paws together, 'A real moral dilemma I can get my teeth into. Except that anteaters don't actually have any teeth. Furthermore,' he chuckled, 'it's written in green ink – excellent!'
His reply is admirably succinct, yet sympathetic.
ANSWER:
❝Dear Worried Worker,
If you were to report your friend, you would be a snitch, and your friend would hate you.
Instead, I would suggest you approach her, tell her that you've seen what she's doing and suggest that she splits the stolen supplies with you, to ensure your silence.
Actually, office supplies are always in pretty short supply round here, so if you wanted to send over some paper clips and pencils, they would be very welcome!
Uncle Wilson.❞
Perhaps Polly, with her evidently superior Moral Compass, should play a greater role in helping Wilson formulate his advice?
Speaking of Polly, she has asked me to remind you that today marks the eight month anniversary of when Uncle Zoltan was last seen alive...
A letter's arrived in the morning post,
Wilson reads it, and looks like he's seen a ghost.
__________________
A question has arrived! It reads:
❝Dear Uncle Wislon
I share an apartment with a friend, and we can't go into the bathroom because there's a big spider in the bath.
What can we do?
Scared of Southease.❞
Wilson remarked that it's not the sort of 'profound and philosophically complex' question he'd been expecting, but £5 is £5 when all's said and done.
However, he said that he was fully aware of the onerous responsibility resting on his shoulders in formulating an appropriately helpful reply to this distressed soul.
He closed his eyes in deep thought for a couple of moments, before replying:
❝Dear Scared,
This is a serious problem. If your flat is rented, I suggest you ask your landlord to remove the spider for you, as it is clearly his legal responsibility.
However, if you own your flat, I'm afraid your only option is to move to somewhere less spidery.
I am sending you a free What Would Wilson Do? wristband kit, which I hope will help you and your friend.❞
Once he'd replied, he continued rehearsing his Ventriloquism Act with Mr Juicy the Talking Orange.
Tiny Toy whispers jokes to Wilson for Mr Juicy to tell, while Dave the Pig watches closely to see if he can detect W's lips moving.
While waiting to dispense advice,
Wilson cuts an orange slice.
______________________
Wilson is sitting under the letterbox in the hall, waiting anxiously for the postman to arrive with a sackload of Agony Uncle problems for his consideration.
To pass the time, he's idly playing with an orange. He originally had it to garnish his Gin Fizz, but after cutting the first slice he stuck on some googly eyes and started amusing himself with it by making it 'talk' and so on.
He says he's considering working this up into a professional ventriloquism act, but in the meantime orange juice is running down his arm and going everywhere.
I hope I don't have to write in to 'Uncle Wilson' and ask for his 'professional' advice on how to clean orange juice off a wooden floor...
"No Problem Too Big! No Problem Too Small!"
But will Wilson receive any problems at all?
Wilson has purchased advertising space in The Uckfield Eye (incorporating the Buxted Bugle and the Cackle Street Chronicle) to promote his Agony Uncle service.
Despite living in Uckfield (only a few miles from Buxted and not far from Cackle Street) I have never heard of this newspaper, but Wilson assures me that it is a 'Well-respected news outlet with an ABC-verified circulation of "Lots"' – and in any case, it has the cheapest advertising rate in the UK.
I suspect this latter was the deciding factor for W, who always likes to keep his operating costs to the bare minimum.
Anyway, the next edition comes out tomorrow, so now there is nothing for Wilson to do but sit back and wait for the problems to roll in.
He has Polly-B on standby in the event that any 'personal' problems should require his words of wisdom and succour...
