05/11/2016

FIREWORKS NIGHT

In an attempt to break his Writers' Block, Wilson has been to the supermarket where he was outraged to find Giant Pumpkins, for which he'd paid £1.50, were now marked down to only 10p!

He's bought a trolley-load, telling me  that he'd be able to sell them at a huge profit next year in the run-up to Halloween.


In other news, there is no room in the freezer.


Right now he's in the back garden checking his bonfire for hedgehogs, and after lunch he's going to produce a spreadsheet for the fireworks display and accompanying barbecue. 


He likes everything to be done just right...



04/11/2016

JOKE WRITING FOR FUN AND PROFIT

Before he contacts Bradley Walsh with his offer to be a freelance joke writer, I suggested to Wilson that it might be wise to actually write some jokes to send with his application. This would demonstrate the level of jocularity and mordant wit he could achieve in his writing.

W considered this for a moment, then agreed that this would be a good idea. Even if it did mean he'd be giving away four top-quality bon mots, he'd easily recoup that small loss once he was on a retainer to The Chase.


Now he's sitting in the dining room trying to be hilarious on paper. It's very quiet in there — he may be suffering from Writers' Block.


A couple of days ago, W received a Tweet from Ms Anne Hegerty off The Chase, reproving him for letting the children play Snakes and Ladders (a game of total chance) instead of the board-game version of The Chase (highly educational).


This personal contact (or Celebrity Endorsement, as he's calling it) may be making it harder for him to be acerbic about someone he now considers he knows personally...



02/11/2016

THE CHASE

Every afternoon Wilson likes to settle down with a cup of coffee and a slice of cake to watch The Chase on ITV.

Lately he's been a bit worried about the host, Mr Bradley, who seems to have a very sore eye. He was thinking of contacting him to suggest using his Mum Mrs Vermilingua's sovereign remedy for everything, an Ant Poultice, when he suddenly had a moment of Satori!


Before introducing the 'Chaser' of the day Bradley Walsh always makes mocking jokes about them, caricaturing  Shaun Wallace as humourless and boring, Ann Hegerty as a cold, sexless monster, Mark Labbett as eating nothing but pies etc.


Wilson has decided to contact Mr Bradley offering to write his opening 'Chaser' jokes for him, on commission...



01/11/2016

BEES BLOG — AFTERMATH

Hello, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!

As you know, we would usually bring you some fascinating and vital bee-related information about pesticides and stuff, but this month we can't. We just can't.


The truth is, we're both the tiniest bit red eyed and bushy-tongued after last night's Hallowe'en party.


We're not going to lie to you, but we suspect someone gave us a dirty ice-cube, and now we've both caught Cocktail Flu.


We're off to bed with a big glass of Royal Jelly to sleep it off.


If our children, Johnson Major or Johnson Minor, ask about us, could you say you haven't seen us since last night, but you're sure we're alright? 


Sweet!


Anyway, we've been the bees and we'll see you next month. Until then, BEEEEEEE GOOD!



31/10/2016

HALLOWEEN CATERING

As I explained earlier, Wilson has decided not to go out Trick-or-Treating this year, opting to stay at home and scare the living daylights out of any Trick-or-Treaters foolish enough to come to our house.

His Treats are all prepared, and everyone is in costume ready to jump out terrifyingly at any visitors.


Even Uncle Zoltan is joining in, wearing a tiny witch's hat instead of his old topper. He looks really scary — not just pretend scary but REALLY scary!


The Bees are particularly excited because they're wearing their 'sexy nurse' outfits again, and they love them. Last year, they refused to take them off for days!


The sTone Brothers are once again Egyptian Mummies. They agreed to this only if Wilson promised to remove their costumes quicker than last year, when they were stuck in them for several weeks...



30/10/2016

WARNING!

Wilson has asked me to warn you that this year's Hallowe'en photo — which will be up tomorrow — is especially terrifying, and if you're of a generally nervous disposition you might like to ensure you're sitting down, with a glass of Ant Gin in your hand, before you look at it...

If you're really nervous, I'd suggest looking at it with your eyes closed — we don't want any trauma-related law suits coming our way...

XMAS STARTS HERE

It took a while for Wilson to make his selection of Christmas Necessities — regularly popping outside to top-up his mince pie supply slowed him down quite a lot.

His 'first round' pick seemed to include at least one of everything in the shop, but eventually he narrowed things down to his final, FINAL choice, and he went to the counter to pay for his purchases.


As he left, he saw Mr James, the Christmas Shop's owner — Wilson shook his hand and told him what a lovely time he'd had in his wonderful Xmas shop.


As we walked back to the car, W remarked that he'd wanted to ask Mr James if he could do the official opening next year instead of the mayor, but he'd been too shy to bring it up.


I hope he doesn't decide to run for Mayor of Uckfield again...