08/10/2016

ANIMAL FOOD

Determined to have a word with Wilson about Dave the 'Tibetan Flying Pig', I strode over to the Anteater Food kiosk (Dave following at my heel) to confront him.

W pre-empted me with a cheery, 'Hello, New Dad — this is going well, isn't it? I expect you've come for a bag of Anteater Food, to feed the anteaters, yes?'


Caught off-guard, I handed over £2.00. Wilson replied, 'Thank you very much!' opened a bag of ants and proceeded to eat them.


'Mmmmm...' he said, 'These are delicious!'


Intrigued by the 'Eat Like An Anteater' Experience sign, I asked him about it.


He handed me a fresh bag of ants, instructing me, 'Don't use your hands — just eat them with your tongue! I'll finish up your leftovers, if you can't manage them all.'


After a moment I noticed his paw was extended, waiting for another £2.00...



07/10/2016

GUESS MY WEIGHT

Byron had barely recovered from his Climbing Accident when he reappeared at the Guess My Weight stall, disguised as a... Rabbit? Donkey? It's hard to be sure.

The point of this stall (if there IS a point) is to guess the weight of the Wild Animal at a cost of £5 — if I guess correctly, I get my £5 back. 


I handed over my £5. I guessed Byron's weight. I was not correct. I was not surprised.


I asked Byron what the row of sandbags was for — was he expecting the garden to flood? He told me they were just in case people got too good at guessing his weight.


At this point, I noticed that one of the sandbags was already resting on the platform of the weighing machine, concealed behind B's back legs...


Dave the Pig is following me around morosely, so I will definitely have a word with Wilson about Working Conditions in his Wildlife Park, and find out exactly what he said to Dave that has so upset him. 


In fact, I shall find Wilson now and confront him!



05/10/2016

CLIMBING DEMONSTRATION

Next up on the list of Must-See Attractions was a climbing demonstration which would apparently leave me 'Breathless with excitement and wonder' as I watch this 'Lithe and acrobatic animal climb high into the leafy forest canopy above in search of food.'

The lithe and acrobatic animal turned out to be Byron. Again. It occurs to me that Byron appears to be doing a lot of work, while Wilson takes the ticket money and is paid to eat ants...


Anyway, I handed him a £5 note and he clambered enthusiastically (though a little uncertainly) into the lower reaches of a small tree.


By the time he drew level with my head, he stopped, and remarked that at the Zoo he did all his climbing on a Jungle Gym, and trees were quite a bit trickier. 


I reassured him that he was doing very well — certainly much better than I could have managed — but he eventually confessed that he was stuck, and asked me to help him down.


Reaching towards him he put his arms round my neck and I lifted him back to Terra Firma.


'There's no need to mention this to Wilson, is there?' he asked.


I shook my head, saying, 'Absolutely not — no need at all!'



03/10/2016

FLYING PIG

Moving on, I noticed Dave the Pig sitting glumly on the patio wearing, inexplicably, a pair of wings.

'Hi Dave!' I greeted him, 'How's tricks?'


He sighed and explained that Wilson had told him he was a rare, Tibetan Flying Pig — an endangered species, and probably the last of his kind. 


Dave had been blissfuly unaware of this, always assuming he came from a great lineage: his Mum, after all, had been from the House of Beanie, while his Dad had been of Clan Ty


Now, though, it seemed that he must have been adopted, his brief life to date rendered a lie...


I tried to cheer him up, saying that Wilson was obviously mistaken and I'd have a word with him to sort things out...



02/10/2016

WILD REINDEER

Moving along into the park proper, the first thing I encountered was a 'wild animal pen' containing what, if I hadn't known better, I would have said was Byron wearing a pair of furry Xmas 'reindeer antlers'.

He waved shyly to me and whispered, 'Hello Mr Wilson's New Dad!'


'Hello!' I replied, 'Are you a... Moose? Or a Reindeer?'


Byron nodded enthusiastically.


'Are you safe to pet?' I continued, and he nodded again.


I reached out to tickle him behind his ear, but his antlers wobbled alarmingly and almost fell off. 


Steadying them with his paw, he explained, 'Oh, don't worry — I'm getting ready to shed my antlers ready for next Spring!'


His antlers, although safely restored to his head, began to flash in time to a tinny rendition of 'Jingle Bells'. 


'I'm supposed to ask you for £5, but I don't really like to,' he continued, ''Cos although you probably haven't noticed I'm not a REAL reindeer!'


He blushed and waved goodbye, as I moved on the the next attraction...