I have to tell you, I was pretty appalled by Wilson's invention.
'Have you tested this "Bag of Serenity"?' I asked him.
'Oh yes!' he replied, 'I tested a smaller prototype on Antony and Tiny Toy — while we were on holiday, if you remember!'
I tried to explain that it was one thing putting small soft toys into a paper bag, quite another to consider doing the same with actual living children.
'How would you like it if I put you in Bag of Serenity?' I asked.
'Well, I wouldn't like it at all...' he replied. 'But then, I am never fractious, rude, disobedient or just plain naughty!'
I fought the urge to mention the many times he'd used my VISA card without permission.
'Anyway, this is only a prototype,' he reminded me. 'I'm just drawing up a list of improvements to incorporate into the final, production model.'
He held up a sheet of paper.
'I'm even thinking of making a larger version,' he added, 'for naughty twins!'
Wilson has unveiled his new invention which, he says, will transform AND revolutionise childcare in the 21st Century. As well as making him rich.
He took me into the kitchen, where he proceeded to unfold the biggest brown paper bag I had ever seen, and announced, 'Behold! I present the Wilson Vermilingua "Bag of Serenity" (patent pending) ushering in a New Era in Non-Lethal Childcare!'
While not wishing to state the obvious, I observed: 'It's a paper bag.'
'No,' he replied, 'while it may LOOK like a paper bag, it is in fact the new Naughty Step!'
I had an awful feeling that I knew where this was heading... and I wasn't wrong.
'When your child is fractious, rude, disobedient or just plain naughty, just pop it in the Bag of Serenity until it calms down... or begs to come out!' he continued. 'After a few uses, just the THREAT of the Bag of Serenity will be enough to calm your child and make it promise to be good for ever! It will be especially useful at times of high stress, like Xmas Eve!'
_________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: ANTicipate! — the intellectually-challenging fun card game for all the family! Available soon for a trifling sum at all good shops.
Taking a break from his invention (which he told me he will be unveiling tomorrow — I can barely contain my excitement :-/) he has worked through the Tenets of Pastafarianism and announced that he is henceforth to be known as St Wilson 1st of Costa Rica and Uckfield.
That's a bit of a mouthful, and I shall be applying for a dispensation to address him as Wilson.
Anyway, he's produced a 'Russian Icon' of himself in his Piratical Vestments and carrying a bottle of Communion Malibu (he doesn't like the taste of Rum) to commemorate his sainthood, all labelled up very neatly with his DYMO machine.
He says you should feel free to print it out, stick it to a nice oak or pine plaque and hang it over your bed.
In a beneficent and Saintly gesture has granted permission to do that for nothing, but if you'd like a signed copy there will be a small fee, in aid of 'ecclesiastical supplies' as he put it.
Probably another bottle of Communion Malibu...
_________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: chrysANThemum
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a brilliant card game which is educational and fun for all the family. Specially good when played on Xmas night after a couple of glasses of Ant Gin. Also very reasonably priced. What ANT is it?
Wilson rose early this morning, so he could start work on a prototype of his new invention.
However, he keeps asking me what I did after he went to bed last night — I'm pretty sure he suspects something went on without his knowledge... but I think I've gotten away with it.
He's been in the living room most of today, sticking together sheets of brown wrapping paper to make one huge sheet. Antony is in charge of handing him strips of Sellotape, and Tiny Toy is responsible for ensuring that the corners don't curl up. They are both taking their tasks very seriously.
__________
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: cANTilever
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a popular flower of the daisy family, with brightly coloured decorative flowers. What ANT is it?
Wilson went to bed early last night to study the Tenets of Pastafarianism, and also to work on a 'stunning low-outlay, high-profit' new invention he's just thought of.
He took a brown paper bag with him... I do hope he's not glue-sniffing or something!
Anyway, I took the opportunity of his absence to see a Sci-Fi Movie (with the sound turned down very low): I watched "EX MACHINA" with a bag of ant-free nuts and a glass of non-ant wine, and had a lovely evening.
However, WILSON MUST NEVER SEE THIS FILM! I beg you not to mention it to him. I can't face going through the "MOON" fiasco again... sleepless nights, depression, animal psychiatrists, legal action — the Sci-Fi Movie Ban MUST stay in place!
_________
Incidentally, Wilson has re-named his fANTastic! Fun-For-All-The-Family card game: it is now called ANTicipate!
Yesterday's ANTicipate! answer is: KANT
Today's ANTicipate! question is: This ANT is a long projecting beam fixed only at one end. What ANT is it?
One of Wilson's friends has suggested a new Mission Statement for him: 'I'm an Anteater — Make My Day!'
W quite likes the sound of this, because his idea of someone 'making his day' is if they give him a treat — a toy, or a sweet maybe. Or a jar of ants.
But he has been distracted from this topic since he heard from the Church of Pastafaria explaining their (remarkably lax) rules for Sainthood — all one has to do is dress and talk like a pirate.
Apparently in Pastafarianism, pirates have a similar status to Christian Saints or Buddhist Bodhisattvas, so he's in the living room rooting through his Dressing-Up Box looking for his Pirate Costume. He hasn't seen it since last Talk Like A Pirate Day, but he's certain that it's in there somewhere.
_________
Yesterday's fANTastic! answer is: decANT
Today's fANTastic! question is: This ANT is a German Philosopher. What ANT is it?
W says he'll have to stop these quiz questions soon, or you won't need to buy his fANTastic! game to play at Xmas...
Wilson is in the kitchen refining his Mission Statement.
He's listed his personal favourites and pinned them up on the notice board, so that you can vote on your favourite — or suggest something entirely new, if you think of anything suitable.
His front-runners are:
'That's the way I roll!'
'I am Anteater — hear me ROAR!'
'Damaged but Adorable'
He's ditched 'We exist to quickly utilise meta-services' on the grounds that, although it sounded very 21st Century, he didn't know what it meant, and would have been embarrassed if anyone had asked him to explain it.
Yesterday's fANTastic! answer is: ANTimony
Today's fANTastic! question is: This ANT gradually pours liquid from one vessel into another, without disturbing the sediment.
What ANT is it?
