My Stash is Raided!

Wilson has raided my Secret Stash of Easter Eggs — I found him this morning in the garden with all the Easter Eggs I'd bought for him and the children!

When I asked what he thought he was doing, he said he was hiding the eggs for tomorrow's Easter Egg Hunt — because I am apparently rubbish at hiding things, due to me always choosing obvious hiding places.

I protested that I was actually a good and ingenious hider, but he raised one eyebrow and replied, 'I found your Secret Easter Egg Stash, didn't I?'

'I won't be much fun for you tomorrow will it?' I said. 'You'll already know where all the eggs are!'

'They will be SO well hidden'' he replied, 'that by tomorrow I shall have totes forgotten where I've put them!'

He may be right — I'm always doing that with the TV remote and my keys, and they're not even hidden!

Chocolate Egg Day. Not.

I was woken before dawn this morning by the sound of Wilson rooting round under my bed with a torch. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was on his Easter Egg Hunt.

I hauled him out and explained that he didn't get any eggs until Sunday, not Good Friday.

He looked very disappointed, and said he'd thought that was why it was called GOOD Friday: because of the chocolate. Actually, he looked so downcast that I relented and gave him an early Mini-Egg just to cheer him up. 

He went off happily enough, saying that he was going to share his egg with the children then plan his Easter Weekend — which will probably involve a lot of cocoa solids in one form or another, not to mention ants…

Business Card Printing

Wilson  has designed and printed a short run of his Consulting Detective business cards, and today he revealed the design. He says he's printed just a few thousand to sound out interest before he has what he calls 'a proper print run' professionally printed.

If a few thousand is just 'a short run', goodness knows how many 'a proper print run' might be!

He watched DCI Banks on TV last night and remarked that police officers have to mix with a lot of very unsavoury characters, but he's sure that a Consulting Detective will meet 'a better class of criminal.'

Actually, he's started calling the lawbreakers 'crims' or 'perps'… or even (though I disapprove) 'scrotes'!

The Bill, although greatly missed, does have a lot to answer for…

____________

Wilson also sends Get Well Soon wishes to his one-time love, Ms Joni Mitchell, who has been taken seriously poorly.

Health and Safety

P+B [in unison]: 'Hello! We are The Bees, Polly-B and Billi-B, and this is our guest blog!'

P: 'Today I want to say just two words to you: "Health and Safety".'

B: 'That's three words.'

P: 'I wasn't counting the "and".'

B: I think you should have!'

P: 'It doesn't signify.'

B: 'Nevertheless.'

P: 'We'll discuss it later. Anyway, you will be aware that Wilson recently suffered a nasty injury when he got his sniffer stuck in a megaphone, so I want to tell you one thing: BE VERY CAREFUL when using a megaphone. Don't get anything stuck in it!'

B: 'That's two things!'

P: 'Whatever! Johnson Minor, come out of there or you might get stuck!'

P+B [in unison]: 'Today's guest blog was brought to you by The Bees! Take care and we'll see you next month!'

Consulting Detective

It has occurred to Wilson that he will never be a millionaire just by drawing a salary, so before throwing in his lot with the Sussex Police Force he's decided to see whether being a Private Detective would pay better — and indeed whether anyone would consult him.

To this end he's designing himself a Business Card along the lines of that greatest of all Consulting Detectives, Mr Sherlock Holmes, which he intends to hand out while we're away on our holidays in order to assess the possible demand for his services.

He is under strict instructions from me not to light his meerschaum pipe in any circumstances!

Convalescence

Now that Wilson's sniffer has finally been released from the end of his megaphone he has gone into 'recuperation' mode, ie watching TV while being waited on.

He's watching a lot of Lewis, DCI Banks and Vera, having decided that he might be a detective when he grows up. Or failing that, a TV detective. 

He's told me he'd like to be 'Vermilingua Of The Yard' with a Sargeant like DS Hathaway from Lewis. Or DI Helen Morton, who is played by Caroline Katz — she also plays Louisa Glasson in Doc Martin, and W has a bit of a crush on her.

He's got the children saying things like, 'We're totes baffled — we must send for Vermilingua of the Yard!'

A&E

What with his concentrating on the recent Solar Eclipse, Wilson has been caught out by the start of British Summer Time today. On the plus side, this means we've not all had to endure weeks of him plugging his automatic Daylight-Saving invention, the WASTE MkII Clock.

However, back in the so-called Big Brother House it turns out my REAL Secret Mission for today was getting Wilson to the Accident and Emergency unit of the village hospital without anyone seeing. 

He was extremely embarrassed to have got his nose stuck tight in his megaphone.