Mouth wash

Wilson is using mouth wash to protect his 'precious tongue' from the 7,949 species of microbes apparently living on it. 

Well, he told me it was mouth wash. He later admitted that it was alcohol. Ant Gin, specifically, and instead of rinsing his mouth with it, he's swallowing… and getting quite giggly.

At least while he's worrying about microbes he's not fretting over whether his imported dried ants are contaminated with horse DNA.

A useful map

Some of Wilson's friends have asked for a copy of his Microbe Map, so that they too may rid themselves of this invisible menace. Here is a printable version of it.

W is staying close to the phone as he is expecting to hear about his payout following the Phone Hacking Inquiry. 

Similarly, despite never having taken out a loan or even visited a bank in his whole life, he is expecting to hear about his compensation for having been mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance.

Good luck with that!

Howard Hughes

Wilson came out of the bathroom to sleep last night… but today he's back in there again. He says he's having a good soak so that the microbes in all his crevices will drown. He has drawn up a chart to remind him of all the places requiring 'special attention.'

If I can't snap him out of this, soon he'll be surrounded by Kleenex boxes, wearing rubber gloves and generally behaving like Howard Hughes!

In fact, just to be on the safe side, I'm going to hide the DVD of Ice Station Zebra...

Wilson takes action

So far, Wilson has got through two bottles of Head & Shoulders, and he's still not done! The thought of all those microbes crawling over and inside his body is, as he puts it, 'Doing my head in!'

He asked me if Antony had microbes all over him as well, and I told him I thought probably not. To be on the safe side, though, W made me pop him in the microwave for 20 seconds on Defrost. 

Tiny invisible animals are out to get Wilson!

'Have you read this?' Wilson asked, visibly shaken. 'This "Secret World of Microbes" article? It says that there are tiny animals living inside my nose! On my beautiful tongue! Tell me it's not true, New Dad!' 

The article in question, illustrated with many coloured photographs and diagrams, explained that every breath of air contains millions of microbes, and that our bodies are alive with them. There are apparently 2,264 species in our nostrils alone. Not 2,264 microbes, but 2,264 species! The article goes on to explain that the microbes in and on our bodies can weigh more than our brain. 

I tried to explain to Wilson that many of these microbes were friendly, indeed necessary to life, but he wasn't listening.

'Eeeeew! Tiny invisible animals are crawling all over me!' he exclaimed, 'I'm off to have a bath!' 

With this he stomped upstairs, shuddering with each step.

Wilson reads an unsuitable magazine...

I had to go searching for Wilson, and I eventually found him sitting in the Wilson Vermilingua Museum of Old Stuff And a Robot, reading an unsuitable magazine which he had found in the Recycling pile. 

He was quite upset by what he'd seen, and I've had to calm him down as best I can. I don't think I've heard the last of this…

Recycling

Today it is cold and wet again, so I was very grateful when Wilson offered to take out the Recycling to the bin. 

I made coffee for him while he was out, but he seems to have disappeared. Still, I'm sure he'll be alright...