FATHER XMAS FACE MASK

Nothing says Xmas like an Xmas Anteater, apparently, and here is your chance to look like one.

 

Well, a little bit like one…

 

Let's be frank – nobody is going to mistake you for a real anteater if you wear this mask, – although it might make you look a bit like you're carrying out a Bank Raid or some other hold-up, so I would recommend some caution if wearing it to visit your Bank… it might even be misconstrued in a Convenience Store…

 

On the plus side, it does come with an optional stick-on medical mask, but please read the disclaimer below!

 

DISCLAIMER: This face mask has no medical or protective properties – it just makes you look like an anteater wearing a Father Xmas hat; even the optional clip-on medical mask has no medical benefits.

 

THREE WISE ANTEATERS

I expect you've got your Xmas Tree up by now, but you're probably thinking: 'It looks good, but there's something missing'.

 

Wilson is certain he knows what that 'something' is – it's an Anteater Xmas Decoration or three, so he's helpfully designed yet more printable tree decorations for you.

 

The usual instructions apply: cut them out very carefully, then hang them on your Xmas tree using a bit of ribbon or, in an emergency, a straightened-out paper clip.

 

Wilson calls these the Three Wise Anteaters.

 

I hope they don't spoil the look of your tree too much…

 

As I passed the kitchen I could just make out the sound of TT rehearsing some of his jokes. 

 

There's a lot riding on his performance, so I can quite understand if he's feeling a bit nervous… but he's also a real trouper and I know The Show Will Go On!

 

SCRIPT REVIEW

TT is fine-tuning the script for his forthcoming Xmas X-travaganza Comedy Show.

 

Antony is helping by lending moral support, and Diesel is there too because he claims to know a lot of Goldfish jokes.

 

Unfortunately, all of Diesel's jokes end the same way – with him forgetting the punchline.

 

Byron knows one, though:

'I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.'

Uncle Zoltan shocked everyone by telling a goldfish joke of his own:

'My friend's Goldfish died the other day, so I surprised her and got her an identical one!

She was furious, saying "What am I supposed to do with two dead goldfish?"'

Diesel said that jokes about dead goldfish were offensive and in very poor taste, and forbade TT to use it.

 

Pterry is also present, not because he can contribute anything but because he still cries if left alone. 

 

He has to have all the jokes explained to him, but still doesn't 'get' them… 

 

 

NËRP'S XMAS LIGHTS

Nërp has put up some Xmas Lights on his workshop and taken his niece Jīqìrén out to see them.

 

Jīqìrén still has severe reservations about the whole 'Xmas Thing', but Nërp has made it clear to her that if she doesn't at least pretend to believe she won't get any presents…

—

Nërp has told Tiny Toy that the new puppet theatre is now complete – TT says that he needs a few days for final script revisions and dress rehearsals etc, but has provisionally announced a performance date of 20 DECEMBER!

If his previous shows are anything to go by, this is something to look forward to – it should really get you in the mood for Xmas! 

GIFTWRAP

Wilson has thoughtfully designed some Free Giftwrap to ease the financial burden of Xmas.

 

It's free in the sense that you don't have to pay for it, but you'll have to download and print it yourself, so it will cost you a little bit in printer ink – which ml. for ml. costs more than Moët & Chandon champagne, and isn't even fizzy!

 

Also, given that your printer probably only prints up to A4, it will only be of use for wrapping very small things.

 

Or bigger things if you take them apart and wrap the bits separately… 

 

 

XMAS CANDLE SET

The boys have designed a gift set of three Perfumed Xmas Candles, featuring the 'authentic smell of Xmas'.

 

While 'perfumed' was not among the words that sprang to mind when they showed them to me – which as it happens were 'malodorous', 'acrid' and 'foul' – they both said it was one of the two aromas that evoked memories of their Mum, Mrs V's house in winter when they were pups.

 

The other nostalgic smell was the bottoms burning out of saucepans, but they conceded that was a less likely candidate for Scented Xmas Candles.

 

The candle set is demonstrated here by Antony and Tiny Toy, for scale.

If you do buy a set of these, it would probably be best not to light them… 

 

 

GOOD PROGRESS

Nërp reports that he is making 'good progress' on building the puppet theatre for TT's Xmas Comedy Extravaganza.

 

When I called round to his workshop to take a look, I found him outside drinking coffee with Jīqìrén.

 

Nërp was reminiscing about the Old Days in Taiwan when he was a young CPU, while Jīqìrén was trying desperately hard not to yawn.

 

As soon as he saw me, Nërp hurriedly put down his coffee and began bustling around looking busy, while assuring me that the theatre was 'within days' of completion… although he declined to let me see it, saying it would 'spoil the surprise'. 

 

 

NEW XMAS BAUBLES

I expect your household is the same as ours – the Xmas tree decorations coming out each year is a time for nostalgia as you remember some bauble from your childhood, or which has some other nostalgic association.

 

But Wilson and Byron have just made some new baubles for 2020!

 

One shows a golden anteater angel, the other two feature ants.

 

They say that in years to come, once they have been transformed by the passage of time into family heirlooms, they will remind us of this momentous year, and will be 'commemorative'!

 

As though we'll need any reminding… ☹️ 

 

 

XMAS JIGSAW

Wilson doesn't really have the patience to do jigsaw puzzles – he usually gives up once he's laid out the corners and sorted out the 'sky' pieces – but this is one of his favourites.

 

It's quite difficult, but it does feature one of his favourite things: a swarm of ants!

 

He's passing this on to you in the hope that it will help fill that difficult, gaping void between now and Xmas Morning.

 

Cutting out the pieces might be even more of a challenge than completing the puzzle, so please be careful with the scissors!

 

If any splashes of blood do get on the pieces, you can always pretend they're red ants!

—

STOP PRESS NEWS:

Tiny Toy is planning a big comedy special sometime before Xmas – Nërp is currently building a new miniature theatre for his performance, so it's not yet possible to give a date, but Watch This Space and keep your diaries free! 

 

 

GINGERBREAD TREE DECORATION IN ACTION!

Here you see Wilson's and the Bees' Gingerbread Tree Decoration hard at work decorating the tree!

Nothing says 'Xmas' quite like the heady aromas of gingerbread and pine needles – although an overexcited anteater sticking his nose into your ear at 2am on Xmas Morning and whispering,' Has Father Xmas been yet?' does a pretty good job too.

 

I shall be a bit surprised if the gingerbread hasn't been eaten before Xmas Day, leaving just the empty ribbons as a sort of recriminatory memento mori… but I live in hope! 

 

 

GINGERBREAD TREE DECORATION

Yesterday the Bees showed you how to make some delicious Gingerbread Anteaters – today I will show you how to convert them into delicious Xmas Tree Ornaments!

 

An electric drill is involved, so I would strongly advise you to enlist the help of a grown-up, or pop down to your local DIY store for some help.

 

The best bit of this project is eating the crumbs after you've drilled the hole; the hardest part is not eating the entire cookie when you've finished.

 

WARNING: If you have a pet dog, don't hang these ornaments on the lower branches.

If you have a pet cat it doesn't matter where you hang them: the cat will climb your tree to get at these delicious treats, so you might as well just give them to it straight away! 

 

 

BELATED BEES' BLOG

Because Wilson had to send you his special ANTvent Calendar, we couldn't blog on 01 December, so here is our Special Xmas Bees' Blog:

Today we're going to show you how to make a big batch of delicious Gingerbread Anteaters!

 

We should warn you that this recipe is a bit more complicated than our recipe for Honey on Toast, so please read it a couple of times before you start cooking!

 

What you'll need:

• Packet of Gingerbread mixture

• Ants

• Icing Sugar

Recipe:

Make up the gingerbread mixture, following the directions very carefully.

Roll out the gingerbread until it's flat, and cut it into anteater shapes.

Bake your gingerbread anteaters until they're baked and a lovely golden colour.

Put some icing sugar on them to make them look more realistic and pretty.

Tomorrow Wilson will show you how to turn them into lovely decorations to hang on your Xmas Tree… if he hasn't eaten them all by then.

 

We've been the Belated Bees, and we'll see you all next year – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEE Happy and have a lovely Xmas! 

 

 

ANTEATER ON THE SHELF

I didn't know this, but apparently, Xmas would not be complete without one of those annoying Elf-on-the-Shelf figures – that's what Wilson tells me, anyway.

 

To ease the pressure on Elves (who should be at the North Pole making toys for Wilson and his brother Byron) he's designed his own Anteater-on-the-Shelf for you to cut out and make.

 

Not only should that save you a few bob at this expensive time of year, no glueing is involved, thus reducing the chances of your furniture being ruined, eyes stuck shut etc.

 

All the instructions are on the sheet, so you can't go wrong.

 

Allegedly. 

 

 

ADVENT CALENDAR PART DEUX

Okay, the instructions for completing your Advent Calendar are:

 

• Print it out, but keep your eyes closed, so as not to spoil the surprise.

• Put a little glue around the outside edge and glue it behind the cover sheet you made yesterday, still with your eyes closed.

• If by now you find you've got glue all over your paws and fur, it might be time to ask a grownup for a bit of help.

 

Once you've opened the first window of your magnificent 2020 Advent Calendar, you'll be on the downhill run to your socially-distanced Xmas – YAY!

 

The Bees, Polly and Billi, have kindly agreed to postpone their blog, due to the time-sensitive nature of today's post. 

 

 

2020 ADVENT CALENDAR

Wilson's had a bit of a scramble to get this ready in time!

 

It was only as he was preparing to go to bed after the WAD party that he realised if he didn't get this published by today, it wouldn't be ready for you to open the first window tomorrow! 

 

He got up very early this morning and he's been working on it ever since to get it finished in time – ENJOY!

 

Both the front cover and the pictures behind the windows are all new for this year!

 

The second sheet will be ready tomorrow, but in the meantime, you can be cutting carefully around the solid lines of the little windows and lightly scoring the dashed lines ready to assemble it tomorrow, when the little pictures arrive! 

 

 

WORLD ANTEATER DAY 2020

After all the waiting, it's finally here: WORLD ANTEATER DAY!

The celebrations are expected to last all day, but here you see the party meal in full swing. 

 

Excitement is at record levels as Uncle Zoltan's Special Anteater Cake (secret ingredients include: chocolate chips, glacé cherries and extra ants) is about to be sliced and passed round to all the family.

 

We hope you all have a wonderful time celebrating World Anteater Day 2020 – you deserve something special to cheer you up! 

 

 

PARTY TIME!

With only one day to go, the waiting is almost over…and the hangovers almost gone.

World Anteater Day begins at midnight tonight, and the lads are outside putting up a final reminder for the neighbours.

 

Unfortunately, no one in our neighbourhood will be able to come to our party because of lockdown restrictions, but at least they shouldn't be taken by surprise when deafening Adam Ant music starts blasting out well before dawn… probably lasting until midnight!

 

Well, it's only once a year, and Byron says that if anyone comes round to complain about the noise they can have a slice of Ant Cake – that should shut them up!

 

Wilson's Top Tip is not to leave your own party preparations too late!

 

Oh, and if you need any tomato or mushroom soup you know where to come, although sadly we will be unable to deliver as planned.

 

Because of lockdown none of Wilson's friends will be allowed to come to our party, but I expect you'll all be holding your own events at home.

 

Why not send us a photo of your celebrations? We'll show the best ones here! 

 

 

HANGOVER CITY

The boys are now paying the price of their early start!

 

They're both sitting in silence in the library with the lights turned low, Wilson balancing an ice-bag on his head, Byron wearing a sleep mask to protect his eyes.

 

The Bees have brought in servings of Alka-Seltzer – but judging by the groaning sounds, they don't appear to have kicked in yet… 

 

I know they've only themselves to blame, but I can't help feeling a tiny bit of sympathy for them both – they just look so sorry for themselves! 

 

 

THE CELEBRATIONS START EARLY

With the baking now done, celebration of World Anteater Day has started early.

 

Wilson and Byron are both sitting in the library, drinking.

 

Occasionally one of them (usually Byron) will rouse himself and disappear briefly to the kitchen to attend to the dishwasher, then return to their previous state of relaxation.

 

They are both reminiscing about The Old Days – looking back on life at the zoo with Mrs V. and their family, or about one of Wilson's many failed get-rich-quick schemes – the Radio Station… Pick-Your-Own Tomatoes… the Motor Museum… the Petting Zoo… Pig Yoga…